Why I’m not ready for baby #2

As my baby boy approaches his SECOND birthday, I figured it was a good time to share this post. It seems as soon as your first baby gets to a certain age people will ask: "so...when's the next one?" I remember my first day back to work after after mat leave and the commissionaire saying "ready for a second one?"

I want to be ready, I really do. It’s honestly something I think about all the time. ALL THE TIME. I count backwards from 9 months. I add 3 months to when I’d ideally like a second baby to be born (to know when to start trying). I think about it all the time. But the truth is, I’m not ready. I don’t know when I'll be ready.

Because I still remember

I still remember the early signs of nausea. I still remember falling asleep at my desk. I still remember going for a walk with my coworkers and physically not being able to keep up with their pace. I still remember not being able to stomach the smell of coffee. I still remember doing groceries and saying to Kyle “I don’t know, get whatever you want to eat and cook. I just won’t eat this week”. The look of food made me want to hurl. Don't even get me started on pregnancy acne.

I remember being in active labour for 24 hours and the excruciating pain. I remember the recovery, exhaustion and slight post-partum depression that followed giving birth.

But I do remember

I remember the excitement from the first p test. I remember thinking ‘omg, it worked!’ I remember surprising Kyle with the news. I remember telling our family and friends. I remember my first doctor’s appointment and hearing the babies heart beat on the doppler. I remember my first ultrasound and seeing that little tiny jelly bean.

All these other things are so exciting to me and still so fresh in my mind from my pregnancy.

Perfect timing

But when is the right time to have a second baby? There is no magical formula or number. But can we handle another baby? The early newborn phase of sleepless nights, breastfeeding around the clock, colic cries are still in the back of my mind. Am I depriving my child of not giving him a sibling so close in age? Am I being selfish because I myself don’t know if I’m ready to go through that all again so soon? The 3 of us, we're good.

But at the same time, it’s so short. Everything passes so fast. The newborn phase is 3 months. The making a mess with food on the floor is short lived, until they learn patience and understand that “mommy is getting it ready sweetheart”.

I find myself pushing it back. ‘Can’t get pregnant till after the summer, because we have a lot of weddings’ or ‘I don’t want to get pregnant till after our winter vacation so I can enjoy myself’.

I always pictured having two kids, and before I had my first I thought I wanted a closer age gap.

Motherhood is an incredible experience. You love so deeply for something you once lived without. I can’t imagine life without my son.

I know we’ll be ready for baby #2 one day, just not today.